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I fucked that up .. .

There has been little response to my "manifesto"  to the Coven.  Some folks have said absolutely nothing, a couple have said just a few sentences, one has expressed hurt and anger.  I was worried that people would no longer want to be in Coven with me, but I really wasn't expecting anyone to be hurt.  In fact, I repeatedly expressed my love and respect of everyone involved - and they were genuine expressions, not some sort of "spoon full of sugar to help the medicine go down" fakery.  Still, someone is hurt, and in return I feel bad, and last night/this morning I have been going over it again and again, wondering if I could have gotten my point across more clearly and without hurting anyone.   And the answer is, yes, probably.  I am not sure how, but yeah, a five page manifesto in an email is probably not the best way of communicating these things.  Of course, I was working with what I was given - folks wanted to have this discussion online, which I opposed, but that was what people wanted and that is what people got.
In reviewing it I also have to own up to something.  Part of my dumping was just me needing to get this off my chest and maybe find a little hope that things will get better.  But I must also admit that a big part of it was me wanting to blow this whole thing apart.  I mean, I did use the phrase "bomb dropped" in my last post.  I think a part of me was (is) just so sick of the dampening of the group energy, and the resulting stagnation, for over a DECADE that I threw a stick of dynamite into the middle of the whole thing - and ducked.  And now I frankly don't feel very good about that.  I don't like war, especially not with people I care about.
Another pattern playing out.  I went to a Halloween costume party last night.  It was at the home of one of Dean's sort-of friends.  I didn't want to go.  I don't do costumes.  I don't do parties.  I don't do people Dean likes.  Plus, I so wanted to go to Miami this weekend, but the "must do" list was too long, I was too tired, and fiances are tight, so I decided that I couldn't swing it, which of course left me in a pissy mood to start with.  So no, I was not in the mood for a party with strangers, but as it turned out, it was a decent time.  These people live in a typical suburban subdivision, but their yard backs up to a pond, and thanks to a sunny day and cold evening, a mist rose from the pond the entire party - how cool for a Halloween party!  I didn't have a costume, so I wore a ritual robe, which felt like blasphemy, and a mask that I quickly ditched because I couldn't have a conversation with anyone through that dame thing.  Pretty much everyone there was in their thirties/early forties, most of them cave divers because that is Dean's friend's peers.  They were all dynamic, energetic, intelligent, interesting, and responsible drinkers. And nearly all the men were hot. Much different from Dean's usual crew.  Cowans though, and it felt odd to be in a robe around a bonfire and it not involve wichery.
Anyway, pattern:  So, because I was grumpy anyway, as described above, and because Dean committed me to this party without even asking me, I whined a bit - not much - about going, gave him a few eye rolls when he mentioned it, Dean therefore apparently thought it fair game to tell our hosts - REPEATEDLY- that I hadn't wanted to come, exagerating my protestations.  In other words, making me look like an asshole.  Which he does all the time with his friends.  It is a pattern I recognize, it's been around for years, and it still pisses me off.
Patterns.  I'll stop there, except to say that there are many more patterns coming to the surface lately, and I blame Seership!  Yesterday, as I was processing and exploring some of the stuff that has been coming up lately, I was hit with a question - do I really want to do this?  Is self awareness and self work all that its cracked up to be?  Would it not be easier and a whole lot more fun to just move through life in sweet delusion?  What will all this hard work come do when in the end I will be just be dead anyway?


It's a week out from our Seership module.  It was a very busy week - I had to present in front of people all week.  I am pretty good at it and get lots of compliments, but wow, it's exhausting to be "on" all the time.  I so enjoyed the Seership  weekend, despite the stomach upset, and it seems that everyone is feeling great in the afterglow.  But for me, not so much.  As a matter of fact, I am not feeling that anything was polished at all!   I don't know what else to say about it.  I have been affirming that I will get just what I need exactly when I need it from the Seership training, but it is still a little frustrating.
I express gratitude for all that I have been able to manifest, but right now I still feel stuck, and increasingly impatient about it.
Tummy upset again today, so I've just laid around watching TV. I started to feel better a little while ago, it's beautiful out so I'm going for a walk shortly.
Bleh,  Just bleh.

Cleaning, clearing

Once again I haven't posted in a while. No point in re-hashing same old dark cloud bull shit, and that is definitely the space I have been in.
I have however been able to get a few things done. I have spent quite a bit of time at the house in Georgia. The progress is slow but it is progress none-the-less. I have taken two truck loads of crap to the dump and have donated several bags/boxes of items. I still have four huge bags of documents to burn or take to the shredder. I have cleaned a couple of rooms to the point of being almost presentable and I am finding it easier to let go of some stuff. And I continue to find treasures mixed up with junk - my dad's wallet from the 1940's, a photo of me and my brother in front of the old greenhouse on the farm, the card from my mother congratulating my brother on his high school graduation. I suppose if I weren't so sentimental all this kind of stuff would get tossed, and the process of sorting would be a whole lot easier, but sentimental I am, and I just have to push through it.
There has been a bit of drama in Spiraling Heart again. I won't go into details as it is a Coven matter, but I will share that I am bothered, flustered, frustrated, and yet a bit vindicated by it all. Despite my hiatus the Coven still mattters to me.
And speaking of hiatus, I really need to get to Miami soon. I miss everyone so much!
And speaking of hiatus AGAIN, I have been doing nothing with the Seership work, except for occassional chats with my Faerie contact, who apparently holds a grudge and wants to kick some human ass over the evil that was done to me a while back.
Really the focus the last few weeks has been on the process of letting go of the Georgia house. This is what I wanted when I took the hiatus, and after several months I am only now beginning to enter that energetic flow of clearing out and moving on. This will definitely take a while longer, which is frustrating, but it does feel good to actually be moving throguh it.

icky sicky and the holidays

I am feeling better but still very congested and coughing alot, which is wearing me out. I went back to work today, having had sick days Thursday and Friday - this after TTT days off last Monday and the previous Friday. So I haven't been in the office much in the last couple of weeks.
It only took me an hour back at work for me to become totally disgusted with it all.
But at least Dean and I started talking about going back to France, probably in May, so I am trying to keep some perspective.
I now have purchased exactly two holiday gifts, but the goal for tomorrow is to complete the shopping one way or another!

back home, contemplating

I am just back from Clearwater for work. I did a great job of organizing the meeting of advisory committee folks for district data collection. Not exciting, but I do like to feel like I do a good job, and I get lots of compliments for making two boring days of presentations, information, and discussion somewhat interesting.
We were right on the beach, but there was no time to enjoy it. Whenever we have those meetings they run all day, and then I am expected to schmooze afterwards, so my days run from 8:oo AM to around 10:00 PM.
The ego boost from a job well done aside, I couldn't help but feel how this is so not what I want to do. Old and very familiar feeling, no answer that I have yet come up with, but there it is.
A couple of other interesting things that came up this last week that brought up an unexpected emotional reaction.
I have been enjoying the cool weather - thriving really. Dean and I were discussing this fact, our future and how I hate living in Quincy, and he said, "I don't want to ever live anywhere cold." This is news to me. He was pushing for New England so we could get married, and his annoying, I-don't-want-to-think-of-conseqences stance has always been "Let's just do it. I'll be happy anywhere." Not that we were on the verge of moving, but it's nice to think that it might be something we could work on together. Now I am in Waiting-On-Libra-To-Change-His-Mind-Again mode.
And I got notice earlier this week that the house I wanted in Tallahassee has gone under contract. Again, nothing was about to happen - I had in fact decided that I couldn't afford the house plus the utilities and necessary repairs - so I am not sure what this intense emotional response is all about. But truly it hit me hard.
I obviously need to do some more exploration here and make a decision. I love my house, and there is some sort of karmic tie to it or the land or something that keeps pulling me, but everything else in my being tells me that my time in Quincy is definitely over, and perhaps my time in the Tallahassee area as well. I just can't see where I need to go from here.
Praying for guidance . . .

Sorry, heavy again. . .

Weirdness. I think perhaps I am losing my mind, that the depression has taken root in a strange way.
Either that or there is some heavy duty psychic shit going on, seership energy rising up, something . . . I don't know.
I have been in an agitated state for the last several days, chest hurting, unable to focus at all on the mundane, struggling even now to write a coherent thought (I just reread that sentence and saw that I wrote "Monday" instead of "mundane"). None of that is new of course, but the intensity is extraordinary.
I feel under seige, attacked, and like any other animal pressed against a wall, ready to lash out. It has taken all that I have to not just leave - jump in the car and just go and see where the road takes me
At the same time I feel oddly disconnected from it all.
On the other hand, I have had bizarre sensations of deja vu, again very intense, where I know exactly what is about to be said and the outcome of a given situation. Only what I "know" is about to happen never actually transpires. It's like I've caught a glimpse into some parallel universe for a short but very real moment.
I've also been thinking alot about my friend and mentor Nesar Ahmad. He was my favorite teacher of all time, a professor at Friends World College. After I had attended several of his seminars I requested him as my faculty advisor. He would visit me at the apartment in Brooklyn during my internship to check in on my progress, chat, and have tea. We'd go to the Cuban coffee shop in my neighborhood with the Pakistani waiter and talk for hours over red beans and rice. I was already a Marxist when I met him, and he respected my Trotskyist tendencies, but he encouraged me to read both Mao and Trotsky. He awakened in me a deep interest in Sociology, which remains one of my top choices of study if I ever did return to school.
So, he's been heavy on my mind and then today I realize that the 25th anniversary of Nesar's death has just passed. He was killed by terrorists on Pan Am flight 73 in Karachi in 1986. So very sad - he was such a sweet and gentle, funny guy, committed to social justice. Such an inspiration.

ANYHOW, while I understand that my crazy is mostly rising from within me, I do feel that given my mental state that I am very open and vulnerable to all the stupidity, anger, fear, etc. in the over-culture right now. So I've been using a lot of hyssop oil, wearing my protective hamsa, everyday, and covering my head whenever I can (doesn't exactly meet the dress code at the DOE!) Interesting about the head cover, I started doing that and then Maeve from seership mentioned that her conjure teacher has her doing it and perhaps maybe I should try it! Not sure that any of it is working all that well just yet :-), but it does seem necessary.


I slept 18 hours straight this past weekend, from 3:00 PM Sat to 9:00 AM Sunday.  And I mean sleep, not lounging about in bed.  I pretty much only woke up once, long enough to pee and feel guilty about sleeping for so long.

I guess I needed it.  I felt a little better Sunday and the first part of  today.  But the pain started increasing in the afternoon.  I am resisting the pain pills.  Although they do help in the short term, it always seems like it takes two days or more to feel normal again.

I made the acupuncturist appointment today - the appointment is set for Friday.  I also called the psychiatrist about meds for the anxiety and depression.  That appointment is Wednesday.  I hate anti-depressants, but I am feeling the need to get a bit of help with dealing with this all.  It's not like a sucky stressful job, all the issues with the house, relationship troubles, etc aren't enough, but the penis of fire has pushed me over the edge.

In other more interesting news, Michael and I are traveling to Thomasville tomorrow to speak about Paganism to a Psychology of Religion class at Thomas University.  The professor seems either wierd or lazy or both (Michael had to send like a dozen emails and voice mails because he kept getting  cryptic two word answers to basic questions like "Can I have directions?") but I enjoy things like this, and I'm sure that it will be worth the little one hour road trip.



More Coral crazy - or something more?

So, my first attempt at a livejournal entry ends up on a group page.  And I was on ambiene, which only added interest to my interesting take on grammar and spelling!
Here is what I tried to post yesterday!

I had gone to bed late Friday night, at 2:00 AM actually .  Not a good idea considering that I needed to rise at 6:00 am.  But the night was a permacuture meeting followed by a long wonderfull conversation with a new friend who I hope will eventally become a coven mate, and the fascinaing conversation was so worth a little less sleep.
Flash fprward a few hours, when I am awakened from a deeeep sleep by the closing of the old door to the sun room.  Such a closing is pretty darned noticable - the door sticks, the windows rattle and there is a string of old bells tinkling on the door knob.
I figured Dean was coming home from his 7 P to 7 A shift. Since his patient was 1 1/2 hours away I figured he'd be home at 8:30.
But it was still dark.  Looked at the clock.  Wasn't working, even though I set the alarm the night before, it was now unplugged.
Checked the other clock.  It was 6:00 AM.  Checked the house.  No Dean.  No burglar.  Door still locked.
I'm usually pretty good at identifying the difference between external sounds and a weird, realistic dreams, and this didn't seem like a dream.
So I grabbed my cell phone to call Dean and I see three calls made to him in the three minutes just before the door slam.  Only, I never called him.
When I finally reached him, he was just leaving work, had never calleed me, never received any calls . . .
But my cell phone shows three calls.
Was this more Coral crazy?  Or something else?